A morning of depression

I have anxiety. This causes panic attacks and sometimes is the worst enemy of my depression. I try my best not to post to social media too much about the depression side of things for fear of it being “too real” and causing people to be overly worried about me. I stay in bed and scroll through my social accounts trying to find uplifting stories and things that help me see the light in the world. Often times, this does not work. The result is sometimes anger, I find myself being angry about how happy and well my friends lives look. It’s the facade of Facebook. I then get more angry with myself for having ill thoughts towards my friends. I begin to tear myself apart for being human and having these thoughts and emotions. Life is abundant and grand and I’m choosing to stay in bed with resentment, anger, and judgement. What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this? I just need to go back to sleep, I’ll feel better when I wake up. So I sleep. I wake up and try the day again, this time I decide to pretend. I pretend to be happy for my friends who can’t handle my emotional baggage in addition to their own. I pretend I am happy for people on Facebook and make a conscious effort to “like” as much as I can to keep up appearances. I pretend that I don’t feel like I’m drowning with every smile. I don’t want to pretend, I don’t want to be angry, but I don’t want to smile. Maybe I’ll just take a nap . . .

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