How it feels to unfeel.

I used to wake up and most days I would look forward to whatever was planned. I have a good job with nice co-workers, amazing friends, a loving family, and a pretty great cat at home. Then some days I would wake up and think “I have an exhausting job with co-workers who expect me to be fun and perky, friends who will worry if I’m not happy, a family that wants to be proud of me, and a cat that I need to take to the vet with zero money.”

At some point, I began having a lot more of the latter days. It made me want to stay at home and not bother my friends, I would call in to work because I couldn’t handle the thought of faking a smile for 8 hours. I even stopped looking in mirrors because I would find myself expecting a smile back as well.

Then the guilt and self-berating would set in. I would get so angry with myself for not being able to live up to the person I had chosen to be. So I eat. Then I gain weight and I hate myself even more. It’s an endless cycle that I am very aware of but unable to control. Until now.

Now, I have seen a doctor and I have started medicine to help me. This may not be the medicine that does it. I may also need counseling, or a different prescription, or church, who knows. What matters most is I am searching for what I need.

The biggest change has been that I don’t feel as much as I did before. That may sound like a negative, but for someone who felt a hell of a lot of emotions before, it’s very comforting. I haven’t lost any of my happy, and I don’t feel numb in anyway. I’m a bit tired but overall it’s just soothing to not constantly be anxious and now I’m at a more neutral emotional start than I was previously. I never thought I would need to “unfeel” anything, but the truth is, I could never control the feelings I was having and that was something very difficult and important to admit to myself.

The world and my life have many problems, but they are not all dire and they are not all things that should be holding me down any longer. No matter what, I have people in my life who make it clear to me that I am never alone. So if anyone is reading this that is nervous or scared of starting these kinds of meds because you don’t want to stop “feeling” things, trust me when I say, it’s not at all what you expect. Most importantly, talk to your friends and family about it, don’t be ashamed, let people in your life know what you’re going through and ask them for patience and understanding. Once you begin to unfeel those anxieties, you gain a lot of perspective. This is my experience/opinion and mine alone, I do not represent everyone with a mental health disorder, but I do represent myself in saying that, so far, I feel a little less alone in the world. 💚

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